ohh ohh ohh

I have a big goal to set my sights on. This evening I got an early bird email to register for the Sussans Womens fun run in November before the general public. I get a discount for competing in it last year. I did this event by myself and had so much fun, it was a great atmosphere. So I definitely want to do it again this year. I haven't been this excited about exercise in a while.

Rumble Jumble.

While I haven't got back into proper exercise yet, (I think I am close to a month of not entering my gym), I am slowly working my way back into it. I have got back into walking around my neighbourhood. Walking is the way I started my journey back in September and I enjoyed it so much, so I thought I would start back with basics. Also it is pretty much all I can fit in ATM as my diary is full with specialist appointments, sports duties, finalising costumes for Hollie's first calisthenics competition on Sunday (every year I leave them till the last minute!).

 I have been dealing with Hollie's anxiety levels for a week. She has been stressing about her braces coming off and being fitted for a plate. She was quite emotional on Sunday about it as Monday was her appointment date. She was more concerned about the unknown and she didn't know how Dr Scott was going to get the braces off. And then there was the mould and how she remember what it was like when she got it first done several years ago (OMG that was a nightmare back then!).

Thankfully her appointment went without any dramas (there were a couple of tears when the glue was being scrapped off) but other than that everything went smoothly. Now she goes back tomorrow to have her purple sparkly plate fitted.

Also Jeremy had an appointment with Dr Scott and is scheduled to have his braces put on in September after footy season. I can also expect Callum to need them in the next few years too. All thanks to my crappy teeth!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

I'm still on the lookout for a job and I'm still applying for 10 a day but I haven't had many interviews, okay, I have had 2 this year!!!!

Thankfully the footy season is coming to an end, although there are still finals to be played also, Callum's team has definitely made the finals, but Jeremy's team need to win the next two matches to make it. And while Hollie's calisthenics season is about to begin at least it is not every week, I think she has 6 competitions this year between this Sunday and November. So not so bad in comparison to footy.

But I wouldn't change any of it for the world. <3

Oh and my current job sucks balls! We have just got a new store manager, the 3rd one in 2 years (!!!) and he has already earned the name Hitler! We have uniform inspections at the start of every shift to make sure skirts are at the appropriate level, name badges are worn, shirts are clean, tattoos are covered, mobile phones are not being used. Everyone has always followed the correct procedures (well maybe not with mobiles as all previous managers have been VERY relaxed with them especially for my area of work as most of it is done when the store is shut. The tattoo issue has just come and if we have tattoos showing they now need to be covered at all times even when the store is shut. I'm sort of ignoring that rule as I wear a cardigan anyway and I mostly wear it all the time but some nights it does get warm in the store and I either pull up my sleeves or take off my cardi. My supervisor is quite relaxed but if the store manager is still there when I am I will just have to sweat it out with my cardi on :/

Anyway it is time to have dinner - Spinach and Ricotta Cannelloni before the sport taxi service starts and then I head to work!

Failing scares me!

I always fail!
I do this every time!

This always happens!

It always ends the same way for me!
I can never stick to anything.
It's the story of my life!

 found this little doozy today and it sums up me to a tea. I have been on endless amount of 'diets', most just lasted 10 days before I gave in. I have never completed any courses that I so 'desperately' wanted to do. One of the courses I did, I got so close to passing with very high results until I decided I didn't want to do it with only 14 days left of the course! I quit my full time job just 12 weeks in as one of the other staff members were giving me a hard time.

I promised myself when I decided to join my first round of 12WBT that I would never quit at my new lifestyle/weight loss journey this time. I promised myself that I would embrace change and I would reach my goal weight. I promised myself and my family that I would succeed no matter how long it takes me. I promised myself that I would be determined, that I would believe in myself (hence my Believe tattoo) and that I would try my hardest at all times. Most importantly I told myself that the journey wouldn't be easy but it would be worth it, because I AM WORTH IT!

So in saying all that, this little road map definitely shows my journey right about now. Although I am closer to the end of 'Struggle Street' but 'Boring Bvld' does keep raring its ugly head. I have made it to 'Challenge Chase' and I did enjoy spending time there. I am actually quite excited about getting back there shortly. I just need to get back in the driver's seat and head on the road trip to my destination 'Awesome Avenue'.

The story of your life isn't the path that you have already travelled - it lies in the moment you raise your foot to take the next step.

What's changed?

Why am I struggling more with my weight loss in 2012 than I was when I started in 2011?

Why does it all seem too much and too hard now than when I first started?

Why are I constantly thinking about the wrong food choices whereas from September in 2011 I found my food choices a breeze?

Surely it is meant to get easier not harder?

Why have bad habits crept back in at full force?

Why did I break my 200+ days of being coke and chocolate free?

These questions plus many many more have been going around my head all day today, and the disturbing thing is I have NO FREAKING IDEA why I have gone backwards.

What happened from about February to suddenly turn things around so much? Since then everything stopped working properly - my thoughts, my care factor BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Who in their right mind loses just shy of 25kg and then just goes BLAH???

Why am I so good at offering advice to others but I can't take it on board myself?

It would be so much easier if I can figure out why my brain isn't cooperating anymore rather than playing these stupid ridiculous mind games with me. I used to be a great sleeper and would be sound asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow, now I find myself tossing and turning thinking about all the crappy things I did or didn't do during the day. Most often than not I cry myself to sleep. Then I come up with a plan to sort it all out but when the next morning comes I am back to square one again.

I've always been known and the 'carefree' and 'funny' girl, and quite frankly I am neither of these atm. Lately I've been wearing my pretend carefree and funny face just because it is easier to push the real faces and feelings out of the public eye.

I just wish I could figure out what's changed?

Sally the scales.

Yesterday was weigh in day. I wasn't looking forward to standing on the scales as I was only really starting to get back into the full swing of eating properly and exercising again. So after opening my eyes and checking what the scales (I've decided to call them Sally Scales) had to show, I was quite surprised there wasn't another gain showing. And while I also didn't have a loss, I was semi pleased with that Sally did have me in tears. So as of yesterday I am sitting on 87kg.

100 reasons why I want to lose weight!

I have been making up this list for about 3 weeks now, the first 20 or so came to my mind instantly and I was going to stop there but I thought I would leave it for a few days and come back again. Then I got to 50 and again I thought I was done so I left it for another week. When I came back to my list I had another writing spurt and got to 95. There was no way I could stop at 95, so this morning I made it to 100. I might even keep adding to it at a later stage.

  1. For me.
  2. For my health.
  3. For my family.
  4. To feel better.
  5. To be able to buy nice clothes.
  6. To be able to buy any clothes I want.
  7. To look better.
  8. To look nice in photos.
  9. To not hide from the camera.
10. To not cringe when my husband touches me.
11. To not be embarrassed about my body.
12. To not embarrass my children about my body.
13. To be healthy.
14. To fit into my clothes comfortably.
15. To not have people judge the food I eat.
16. To have more energy.
17. To be a healthy role model to my kids.
18. To be able to clothes shop online.
19. To lower the risks of heart disease, stroke etc
20. To not keep the family cycle of obsesity going.
21. To look good naked.
22. To show those who have doutbed my efforts that I can and I did do this.
23. To not be self conscience.
24. Because I deserve it.
25. To not be asked if I am pregnant.
26. To wear bathers with confidence.
27. To wear a bikini.
28. To buy nice sexy lingerie.
29. To not be the fat friend.
30. To lower my risk of cancer.
31. To be able to run.
32. To not be heavier than my husband.
33. To go on a clothes shopping spree.
34. To stick to something I have set my mind on.
35. To feel comfortable in my own body.
36. To add more years to my life.
37. To be able to not worry if a seat will hold me or I will fit into it.
38. To have a smaller firmer butt!
39. To be able to walk into any boutique store and know their clothes will fit me.
40. To have an inpsiring 'before' and 'after' photo.
41. To finish this journey I have started.
42. To inspire others to lead a healthy lifestyle.
43. To enter my 40s as the fittest and healthiest person I can.
44. To have a BMI under 25.
45. To have my weight in the 'healthy weight range'.
46. To show my kids (especially my daughter) a positive body image.
47. To be able to wear crop tops with confidence.
48. To get rid of my chubby tummy and spare tyre.
49.  Because I can.
50. To say I am happy with my body.
51. To get my body fat under 22%.
52. To never cringe at the word F-A-T.
53. To not have rolls of fat.
54. To be more postitive.
55. To prove everyone wrong.
56. To feel comfortable in knowing I can do any activity - sports, rides etc.
57. So people won't stare at me because of my weight.
58. To get a regular sized towel around me.
59. So I can fit into smaller jeans.
60. Be less self conscious about my body when I’m with other people.
61. To build muscle.
62. To stop whining that I need to lose weight.
63. To make exercise fun.
64. I want one chin.
65. I want to be strong.
66. I want to get on with life and stop obessing over losing weight.
67. I want to enjoy Summer and not wish Winter would hurry up to wear clothes that cover my body more.
68. When I am at my goal I could find a new New Year’s Resolution.
69. To show my husband that this is not another 'fad diet' that I will fail at.
70. I want to see my toes when standing up straight.
71. To be proud of myself.
72. To help control my asthma more effectively.
73. I want to feel comfortable with the lights on during 'intimate times'.
74. To be able to own a 'little black dress'.
75. To get smaller boobs!
76. I want to be able to stand in front of a mirror and like what I see.
77. To not have thighs that rub together.
78. Have a flatter stomach.
79. Feel sexy.
80. To feel excited about the future.
81. To look younger.
82. To feel younger.
83. To not feel like the biggest person in any room or at any function.
84. To feel inspired to dress better/nicer.
85. To wear size 12 clothes comfortably.
86. Be in control of my eating. Eat to live not Live to eat.
87. Prove to myself I can do it.
88. I want to know I am nurturing myself daily.
89. Regain confidence.
90. To get off the 'yo-yo' dieting mentality.
91. To show everyone that I will not gain the weight back.
92. I want to look great for my daughter's Grade 6 graduation at the end of the year.
93. I want to feel in control of my life.
94. To feel better mentally and emotionally.
95. To inspire others.
96. To show people I can walk the walk and not just the talk.
97. To say good bye to being the 'fat chick' who is sketched in my brain.
98. To reach the goals I set.
99. So I can sit on my husband's knee and know that I am not hurting him.
100. BECAUSE I AM WORTH IT!

This was a hard and heart wrenching list to make but I am proud of it <3

If this isn't a reward and motivation then I don't know what is!

Today a friend (Hi Raelee if you're a stalker yet!) mentioned to me that her husband is going to buy her a $1000 piece of Tiffany and Co jewellry when she reaches her goal weight, that's so freaking amazing and such an incentive for her as she adores her Tiffany bling! I have no doubt that she can achieve this goal <3

So I told Clint about Raelee's reward and he said he had one already planned for me but he didn't want to tell me about it until I was at my goal. But seeing as he mentioned it I just had to know straight away!!!

He said once I hit my goal of 65kgs he is taking me to ....

OHMYGOD!!!!

I have been dreaming about going to Paris since I got married nearly 15 years ago. It is on top of my travel wish list with the USA coming in a close 2nd.

With such an incentive like this I want to get rid of 22kg as quickly as I can <3

Here's to clean eating and mean training :) :)